This year

26/4/2014

This year, 2014, I don't think it's working for me, I have had so much going wrong for me and I haven't felt all these emotions since the time in 2010 and the little hiccup in 2013.

But it's not just my emotions, it's just everything, university, work, family and relationships.

University is really taking a toll on me, financially and mentally, I feel like I have to give up so much just so I can stay on top of the work that's given to me, keeping up with notes and completing assignments, as much as I have sacrificed like going out and hanging with my friends, I'm still behind with the work.

The fact I'm also limiting the amount of days to work, just to one day a week, which I'm barely even getting rostered onto that day, not to mention I'm already getting paid less than minimum and I haven't received a payslip for the past 2 months. I have hassled my boss, every single time I see him and if I don't see him, I call and message him up about it. It has literally be 2+ months, does he not realise what he's doing is illegal? On top of that being paid under minimum wage? Not rostering casual staff for 3 months, FOR NO REASON NOT TO MENTION.

He is absolutely selfish and my hatred for this man, is sky rocketing, I just get so mad thinking about it and the worst part of all, I can't seem to get a new job and even if I go searching for one, they want experienced people who have worked in the field before or require working 3 days minimum. I can't even work 1 day a week without feeling stressed from university. So I'm stuck in a dilemma, whether to earn money by working at jobs requiring 3 days minimum and just get average marks in university and stress out OR to stay at this stupid workplace, 1 to no shifts, underpaid and be somewhat on top of notes?

I don't know what's more important! I'm not even getting any support or encouragement from my parents, I have no support network at all.

"Get a new job" - "But I don't think I can work 3 days minimum and no-ones hiring me anyways, I can't work so much when I'm studying" - "Then don't work, simple, stop complaining about your job and quit, find a new one" - "Do you want me to do well in my education?" - "Whatever".

The only reason I'm going to university is because they want me to go to university, the course that I'm doing, sure it's interesting and it's somewhat in the field I want to do but I don't see me enjoying it. I actually don't know what I want to be when I get older, I have no idea what's out there and yeah I'm pretty scared, I'm scared of being a failure.
That's where it saddens me the most, I feel like everyone expects so much from me, expect me to be really smart, to get Distinctions and High Distinctions, just to make them happy and proud of me.. But I'm not happy at all, I'm so restricted to please people and I know people are probably thinking "Just do your own thing, why do you have to follow what people expect you to do" - it's because if I don't, I have nothing, my parents will look down at me, judge me for the rest of my life... I don't want to disappoint them, maybe I'm not strong enough, I don't have the guts to do my own thing because I'm unsure of everything, unsure of my future, I mean I have no talents or good at anything particular that I want to pursue as a career... I'm just not good at anything.

I know they care for me, they want me to do my best but I've created my illusion of what best is, to not fail. Even if I do my best, like getting a distinction or around a mark around 80% "Oh nice, you can do better though if you got off facebook and youtube"... like what...? I worked blood sweat and tears for this mark.

I find it sooooo difficult to stand up to my parents, the idea of breaking their trust, is... something I can't do. I don't understand how other people, my friends do it, how are they allowed to do whatever they want and still get support for it, like go and get tattoos, go out and party.. do there parents care about what marks they get just as long as they pass? Or as long as they know what they want to do, they can go for it?
Worst part about it all, is they don't know, they don't know any of this..

Why am I so tough on myself?

Why am I always crying about it, if I can change it?

Why don't I change myself?

Why am I not strong enough?

Why am I so god damn ugly, can't these pimples just go away!!! can't that little stomach just disappear, can my bum just not be flat, can my nose be smaller and make my eyes bigger, why couldn't I be born with perfectly straight teeth.

Why is nothing working out for me? I mean I know I don't have the worst of everything, I'm living in a nice home in a beautiful country, I have two parents, I have a pet dog, I have a phone, I have a laptop, I have an education, I have food and warm water.

Why can't I just be happy with everything I have?!!?? 

Am I selfish? I know the world doesn't revolve just around me but why does it feel like everyone I know are allowed to do whatever they want and also not suffer with pimples, why are they happier life than me?

Talking | ♡

05/02/14

So I have a few things to write about in this blog post, from changing myself and to talking with other people.

First off, changing myself, I write about this all the time and I always tell myself that I will change, I will do this and that, I do change but then after a while, slowly I lose motivation but I'm going to try this year to push on.

I'm going to start being more healthy, watch what I eat, don't give in to bad foods, I mean I'm not going on a strict diet but moderate what I eat, I'm going to go for walks or runs, be more active and just enjoy life, because when I am healthy and active, I am happy and that is what really matters.

Also recently I did dye the bottom of my hair, it didn't turn out the way I wanted it too, like ombre or balayage, I'll just have to grow my hair longer for it too look/suit better.

Me and Hermit.. I don't know, agh! Confusing but like I said, when we meet... one day, we'll know. For now, anything can happen, basically like an open relationship.

I've been talking to a few people as well but nothing of interest, just getting to know people and it's good to meet new people, it takes you out of your comfort zone - however be careful with talking with people online, you never know, they can be crazy and you don't want that.

I have also had a discussion with Leo, my ex, which we fight like a married couple and we're not even together, he frustrates me a lot but we've discussed over some issues and now we are going to try.. try and be friends, maybe not close friends, but friendly enough that we don't ignore each other, where we don't have to try and pretend they don't exist when they're across the room, it just makes everything awkward and I hate hearing things from people because it makes me annoyed at him, especially when stories aren't told properly, they become twisted to make me think of a totally different situation.

I'm slowly learning to forgive and let go of the angers and problems between us, because there is not real point too it.

I'll keep you posted, but for now, I need sleep and people are chatting to me as we speak, so I don't want to keep them waiting for a reply.

Hope everyone has a good Thursday, I'm planning to go to the gym and work my bum off... well build and tone my bum really....

Yours Truly,

Bella

Practice | ♡

22/01/14

Yesterday, my bestfriend and I, went out to buy a guitar, I'm really eager to learn and eventually play it! It's day 2 with the guitar and my fingers are obviously getting sore haha, my hands are really small but you know what, I'm not going to let that be my excuse for not trying, I'm not going to give up just yet!

I didn't work my ass off for the money to buy this guitar even though it was the cheapest of them all (cheap for a quality guitar but not too cheap that it's plastic).

Practice makes perfect right? Or close enough. I'm going to practice till my hands stretch, till my hands can become flexible and to also change chords fluently. I'm ready to relearn how to read music, to learn chords and everything.

I'm not just going to only practice on the guitar, but also on the piano.

This is my new years resolution to become better at piano and guitar, to learn songs and to make a cover!!!

I want to become a better musician! For me, be a better musician for me, for my happiness and for life :)

Yours Truly,

Bella

Opening up

15/01/14

Hello readers,

On Monday night, I decided to open up and just go for it, asked him how he feels about me because I needed to know, I needed to know where this somewhat 'relationship' stands, whether he liked me the way that I liked him and if he ever wanted to pursue a relationship. 

That whole day I was just in a wallowing mood, I wasn't at my happiest but I wasn't at my lowest however I did end up in the night breaking down when I took a shower and I don't even know why. 

I told him how I felt and thought, that I do like him and I don't expect him to like me back, I don't want to hurt him if I was to ever become involved with some other guy - let me recap who I am talking about here, he lives in another state and we've known each other since I was 9 or 10 (I am turning 19 soon) and only recently we reconnected through txt messaging over the past year (2013).

He told me, that if we were to ever meet in real life and we do end up liking each other then things will change, I don't expect him to change how he feels about me after the talk, I just wanted to let him know where I stand with my feelings and to let him know that I don't want to hurt him, hurt him in the way that he may think that I was leading him on and just playing with him (if I was to end up with someone else).

But in the end, things happen for a reason and if it was meant to be, it's meant to be, if it's not then that is ok, that is life. Not everything is supposed to sail perfectly, what you want or see in your future will not always be that way.

Also if someone is that special to you, they are worth the wait and he is but it's hard because he lives so far away, I can't wait forever, but I did stick with my guns and stayed loyal, people say that I shouldn't even bother with him because 'long distant' relationships 'don't work' but you never know, you never know until you try, I'd rather try than regret not trying at all, I don't want to look back in 3 months, in 6 months, in 2 years and regret and say to myself "What if I continued and didn't give up on him, would we have been something, would be together?" 

I guess the main reason I got upset and broke down was because I don't want those people who said "long distant relationships don't work', I don't want them to say "I told you so" "You should of listened to me" "You waisted your time", but in the end, it's my choice, my choice whether to listen to them and do what they said and it is my choice whether to continue to hold on or not because in the end, it's my heart, not theirs.

After opening up to him that night, it opened up my mind and my heart, and it was good, I relaxed me, it put my at ease with my emotions and thoughts. I was scared to do it, scared to ask but it was all worth it in the end, we still talk till this day and I am happy :)
And whatever happens, happens and I'll be happy about it.

I'm glad I did what I did because I am happy.

Don't be scared to tell somebody how you truly feel, don't be scared to ask someone whether they like you or not, I know the whole 'rejection, losing a friend' aspect can be intimidating but it will put you at ease in the end, it will show the true colours of the other person.

Guys are also scared too, scared to talk or ask anything to girls, they are just like us but someone has to step up, guys like being messaged first by a girl, it kind of puts pressure of their backs and sometimes us girls need to be empowered to maybe be the man in the relationship.

So don't be afraid, whatever is on your mind, just tell them! It will be worth it in the end!

Yours Truly,

Bella

Friends & Music | ♡

18/12/13

Good morning everyone, hope you are all having a good Wednesday, it has been incredibly hot these past few days, however it did rain a little, which this bipolar weather isn't really my favourite.

So recently, my close friend texted me and he had a question, something he wanted to talk about and I was like sure, what is it, what's your question?

He asked me something that I would of never of expected, especially from him, it made me open up my eyes that my closest friends who are as chirpy as I am and their lives, from my eyes, look effortless and

fun, it's not stressful like mine but when he told me how he was feeling and asking me if I ever feel they way that he has... it astonishes me, a lot.

I never knew he would ever feel this way, he always seemed popular and surrounded by amazing friends and I, myself, when I'm at parties or gatherings, I would look at all my friends and sit there, in silence because I'm not as close with them, I feel left out, I feel I'm not as interesting as they are with others and now knowing, that at times he feels the same, it makes me feel... confused.

I'm here to help him though, I've been through it all and I've found ways to cope with these feelings.

On another note, writing music is so difficult, difficult in terms of getting the write words, melody and making sure the message sounds okay or it's not creepy at all.

Horoscope | ♡

12/12/13

Pisces Horoscope 2013

"Intensity has been at an all time high when it comes to love, Pisces, and today will be no different. You may be feeling a sense of warning in the air, but once again this is more in your imagination than in reality. If someone has put an offer on the table, you are wisest to at least give this one a shot. You may feel you are risking too much by doing so, but if you examine the past, you know this person will be there for you no matter what happens down the road. True love is unconditional, and the words you are hearing are sincere enough. You will need to believe in this unconditionally as well, for if you do not believe that you can be loved this way, how can you expect to share your own love in the same manner?"

I don't know whether I should believe this, but it seems somewhat true, I don't now whether the guy that I like, likes me back or feels the same way. I don't know if my texting is annoying and he's trying to escape from it and I'm just scared, scared to lose him or make him think I'm clingy/crazy.

Hardest part is, he lives so far away, far away as in a different state and I don't know if there is another girl. Am I just over thinking everything? I don't talk to him as much as everyone thinks that I do and I don't know how he actually feels or thinks, it's hard knowing without seeing their actual reactions and having that face to face interactivity.

I guess time will tell and I really hope this horoscope is true, so then all my thinking can just disappear.

Yours Truly,

Bella.

A life update | ♡

09/12/13

Hello hello, it has been... forever long since my last post. Mainly because nothing exciting has came up or.. I just forget or I am too lazy to update.

Oh however, I did go to Melbourne on the 25th of November to the 29th of November. The trip was so much fun, I actually enjoyed it, the hype around the whole, shopping is better in Melbourne.. I don't know, it seems the same, some of the fashion are the same however there are some stores that are in Sydney as well but have different styles in Melbourne, the prices are fairly similar as well. I didn't purchase much, things seemed the same however the food, is AH-MAZING! It tastes so so good and definitely worth the money (kinda expensive but worth it), Schnitz, oh my god! Delicious chicken parmigiana's ever!!!

Ever since I went to Melbourne and shopped in Portmans, I have recently been going in to the Sydney stores and checking out their clothing and I really like it, it's nice and elegant, it's not the too casual.. mainstream teen type of clothing, it's more mature and fashionable, definitely, also it's very chic and I like that, it has style and it's worth it's penny (well some items).

Overall, Melbourne is quite nice, I stayed at the Somerset on Elizabeth hotel which has a kitchen in the room which is great and it's in like the heart of the city of Melbourne which you could get around places so easily, so very close to Bourke St.

Umm what else is new in my life.. Well I've started to write some songs and I don't know whether they're good or not, I find it difficult to write lyrics because for starters, I've never done it before and I'm just winging it. My friend is helping me of course with the melody and how the piano will go with the lyrics, so this might me a long process. I don't even know if people will like the lyrics I have written up, I know someone in particular probably won't like it, but I couldn't care less because.. I.. feel that, this person, doesn't deserve my respect if they don't respect me after everything that I have done, such as forgiveness, respected their space and time and everything and so whatever, if they don't like that it's about them, then whatever, I shall be the next Taylor Swift, I don't care.

But other than that, I hope people do like the song, obviously it won't be like a killer top 10 on iTunes (haha I wish).

Christmas is also around the corner! So is the New Year!!! 

I literally... feel to poor to buy anybody Christmas Presents, in fact, I don't even know what to buy people these days, everyone is getting older, buying gifts for boys is 100x more difficult but I have no idea what they want! Also I don't know what my Aunties and Uncles would like or need, especially when I have a mum who is very very (VERY!) picky with what she buys for people, not in terms of, it has to be the best gift but rather it has to be something useful and a certain quality that she likes not to mention my Aunties and Uncles are also picky as well (apparently, all the more to add to the list of difficulties of Christmas Presents).

All in all, nothing much has changed in my life, I wish I could say something amazing has happened but nope, sadly. However I appreciate my life, each and everyday, I just have to make my own changes rather than wait for changes to happen because that's the only way we can survive and in order for us to be happy.

I hope everyone has a good day and a good week!

Yours Truly,

Bella

Relationships | ♡

13/11/13

It's Wednesday and it's finally good weather, it's been raining for the past 2 days and I can't stand the rain, it's cold and miserable. On top of that, it's exam finals period for me and I'm tired from waking up early in the wee hours of the morning and getting stuck into books and notes till the dead of night. I'm barely getting sleep, around 5hrs to 7hrs top. Oh the joys of University. I have one exam left and that is next Tuesday, so hopefully, if I am able to study throughout these next few days, efficiently, without procrastination, I won't have to cram and sleep late on the Monday night, worrying about the exam.

What else is boggling my mind, is him, Hermit, haha, every time I bring that silly name up, it makes me chuckle.

He drives me absolutely insane, he's charming, extremely talented, in my opinion and something about him makes me really want him, really wanting him to be mine - not in a crazy 'I have to have him and nobody can' type of way, but a 'I want you to know that I like you' haha - I don't think I'm making sense. I want to receive those 'goodmorning' or 'goodnight' texts because when those happen, it makes my day a whole lot better, also everytime I receive a snapchat from him, it makes me smile like crazy and wishing those photos would last longer than 10 seconds. 

Hardest part is, he lives 1000000kms away, I don't know what he is really thinking or acting when he texts me, I don't know if this is him being nice or just a friend, or merely interested. I'm trying not to get my hopes and expectations up and thinking/feeling the way I feel, but I do hope that is the case and if not.. I'm fine with that but it would suck if he actually has a girl he's interested over where he is and I'm just this annoying girl from 100000kms away texting haha.

Eugh! Why does falling in love or liking someone have to be so difficult, especially distant people you're interested in. I know people say distant relationships are the hardest and don't work but what is there to lose to just try and make it work?

Sometimes I feel stupid for even thinking we are an item, or becoming one because what if that is not what he's thinking or feeling?? Hmm, I don't want to ask and be forward because that might scare him..

I don't know, I hope everyone else has a great day and enjoy the rest of the week! It's nearly Christmas!! Hooray!

Yours Truly,

Bella

Confusing people

31/10/13

Happy Halloween everyone! However we don't really celebrate it in Australia but oh well haha.

So, Hermit (I've introduced him in my older entries), we have been talking for a while now and every time I talk to him, talk as in messaging, we've only skyped twice, anyways I haven't had a conversation with him for the past 2 days. I mean it's not something to go all sad and crazy about, but it is weird.

Sometimes I do think whether he only texts me when he is bored and I don't know what he thinks when we talk to each other, like what is this type of friendship/relationship, I'm not saying we are definitely like gf/bf, I'm just saying could this be one that leads into one? 

I'm not desperate or crazy to want him but I just like to know where I stand and what I am to him. However he is quite the busy person, he's always out with his mates or work and other activities and recently he's been on set doing work... so maybe that could be why he's been not as active as before?

Whatever happens, happens and if we were meant to be then we were meant to be together, time will tell and yeah.

It's not much I have to lose, we'd still be friends just nothing more...

I sound crazy and a confusing person myself, now that I think about it haha.

I can't think of anything else to write, I'm starting to realise that maybe I do miss him, more than I usually would than I would other people and I guess that kinda shows I have small feelings for him...

I don't know where this is going ... haha

Yours Truly,

Bella

Reality

19/10/13

Hello once again, I have something to update this page about and that has been on my mind.

So for the past 2 days, NSW has been under danger, I guess to put it that way, there has been fires blazing around NSW and the air is so polluted, it's all foggy and it smells like smoke. I pray for those firemen who have been injured and I pray for those families who have lost their homes to these blazes. It truly is tragic when everything in your home is destroyed.
I'd like to thank the Australian services, police, ambulance and most importantly the firefighters who have risked their lives to help the nation, thank you for your courage and bravery.

On another note, there's this guy, I called him Hermit in my older post, we're talking again and we added each other on Skype and it's probably the first time we've actually talked together with our voices. It was... fun haha, every time I think about it, I smile to myself but the thing is, I don't think anything will happen between us. Not that I'm desperate or really wanting something to happen but what are you supposed to do in these situations? My parents don't allow me to travel with my friends to other states or let alone a hotel, so it would be impossible for me to meet him in person.

I've know him for 9 years and I find that absolutely crazy! We didn't talk all the time during those 9 years, if I was to put together how many years we've actually talked, it may be 5 years.

The only relationship I see in this, would be an open relationship, probably not even a relationship maybe just a distant good friendship relationship? Hahaha I don't know what I'm saying here.

- I don't even know if he thinks or feels the same way as I do, so I can't assume what I'm feeling will be reciprocated, the last thing I want to do is scare this kid away and make him think I'm really desperate haha but I'm not, so fingers crossed!

I need some advice or maybe I should just let this sit out and see where time will take us.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, please appreciate everything you have and tell the ones closest to you that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Please pray and give your thoughts to those families who have lost their homes in Australia, NSW, from the fires. I wish whoever is reading this, love, happiness, health and wealth.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Happy Labour Day!

7/10/13

Hope everyone is having a great Monday, I know I am, well I feel fine besides the fact I have an exam tomorrow! 

My emotions have been up and down, in terms of sadness, it hasn't crossed my mind, I have been feeling pretty well actually, happiness it's rebuilding itself, I mean I'm not totally depressed but I'm not completely happy but I feel fine which is good. I've been really stressed lately, more so to do with University and the amount of work that's piling on top of me which is really getting on my nerves.

I don't have much to write about, nothing has changed really.

So I'll keep it short, I hope everyone tries something new today or accomplish something, everyday should be planned, a plan to do something, not a strict plan, keep it flexible if it's nothing too important. 

Take everyday as if it's new and there is something to do, being occupied is the best way to live.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Emotions

27/9/13

This journal entry, is going to be the inner me, the emotional part of myself that I don't show to others or let other people know about and what I've been feeling for the past 2 days.

I'm a person who doesn't want people to know that I'm sad, I want them to see the happy me because I don't want people to worry about me and I think having the happy quality/personality is more preferable than a miserable aura.

I like being happy, I like being able to laugh and not pretend to feel a certain emotion that I know that's not true but I guess you got to have the bad to have the good. So on Wednesday, I was having a pretty okay day, I went to the library, studied and did my work with a friend, went to the local shops and Leo works there and apparently he walked into work while me and my friend were shopping, I waited because well, I like to say hi to people (obviously if I'm in a good mood) but he never came out so we decided to leave.

When I got home, I was about to text Leo about how we waited but he never came out and as I was about to text him, there was two old messages which I didn't even know that I had received, which was received on the 15th so that was like 10 days late for me to see.

It read along the lines of how he didn't want us to talk anymore, how we can't be friends (I'm assuming) and how it's hard for him to get over me (p.s he is my ex), what I found the most upsetting that night, I mean I wasn't sad like depressed sad but I wasn't happy either, I was in the numb emotion, where I had no feelings whatsoever. However the next day I was in a whatever mood, like I bummed around that day, listening to songs to cry too, okay this is going to be weird, but there are times where I enjoy crying. 

Maybe the main reason that I feel the way that I do is the fact that, he never fought for me to get me back again or even try to talk to me. He'd rather message me this than tell me in person, he never tells me what's on his mind in person and that is what frustrates me the most, he becomes silent or he just walks away from my presence (this is at parties or just casual hangouts with group of friends). That was the main reason we broke up, it was because he would always walk away from me and just completely ignore me when we were together and back then it hurt me a lot because I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I blamed everything on myself and I doubted myself so much that I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. It hurt me even more that he could talk to other girls more than he would talk to me and obviously that's when I kept thinking about how these other girls were much more prettier than I was and he'd be better off with them instead of me.

I fought my side of the war, I tried to do my part because that's what you do, you fight for those who you care for, you don't give them up but I guess I understand, he can't get over me unless he stops talking/seeing me, I mean I didn't really want to get back together so why would he bother to fight for me? 

I guess if it is for the best, you just got to let it go.

Yours Truly,

Bella

This image sums me up

Self reflection | ♡

22/9/2013

So last night, I moved the keyboard piano into my bedroom (finally!) after years of contemplating whether to move it or not because I was concerned with space in my room and all that jazz. I haven't played piano in a very very long time, in terms of fluently, as a kid, my parents took me to piano lessons and I really enjoyed it, this all started because as a small toddler I'd climb onto the piano seat and just play the piano which is why they decided to take me to lessons. 

I wasn't a bad player, however, I won't say I was a great player, after being chosen or whether it was a compulsory test or competition I had to attend and play this piano piece, I think it was Minuet piano piece I had to play in front of an audiences and judges, before leaving the house, I played the piece once over and it was perfect, I knew every chord but when it came to crunch time, I failed.

I forgot the musical piece, I only remembered a verse and what did I do? I kept on playing that verse over and over again till it hit the 3 min mark which I remember so vividly being a small bell that they'd ring to tell us how long it has been. 

I remember hopping off that piano and went straight to my seat and I was in distraught, I got a 'participation' certificate and I remember leaving that hall, crying, I felt incompetent, hopeless and a failure after all those efforts of taking me to piano lessons, were for nothing, were for me to forget how to play a piece without the music sheet in front of me.

After that event, I decided to quit piano, I made every excuse possible, from I don't like playing piano to my fingers hurt and that's why my pinky is bent the way that it is. I quit playing the piano because I failed.

I realised after playing the keyboard piano in my room that, that's not the motto that I live by, I don't quit on something because I fail or because it was unsuccessful or because it's not what I expected it to turn out to be, I'm not that type of person now. I'm a person who will continue to try, to change and to be better at something.

And now, now I regret ever quitting playing piano, the piano is so fun to play with and the fact I don't remember how to read chords or how to even play the piano properly and fluently, it makes me upset. It makes me feel disappointed in the little me, that I gave up on something because it brought me to tears. 

I really want to become better at playing, I really do, I want to learn the songs that I love singing, which I might add, I have been practicing to play 'Almost is Never Enough' by Ariana Grande ft Nathan Sykes - However I'm still a little rusty and I can't get the singing and playing down right or having it at the right tune/tone to suit my voice.

So if you ever loved/liked something but you gave up on it because it 'failed' at it 'once', try and pick it up again, continue to fight for what you enjoy, no matter what anybody else thinks of you because at the end of the day, you enjoy doing it and you can always improve what you have once failed at doing. Improvement is an accomplishment that gives you hope and life. 

I can't exercise how important it is to not give up, because giving up is failure in itself. To not try is to fail but to succeed is to try, even if you fail.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Update | ♡

22/9/2013

It has been 12 days since my last entry, now it's not because I'm lazy, it's just there's nothing really new that has been happening. I have been on uni 'study break' which goes for 2 weeks, so first week of holidays went by really fast, I feel like I have done nothing since the first day of holidays when I have a tonne of work to do! I have four group assignments and I'm pretty sure I have quizzes and exams around 1st or 2nd week back!

I procrastinate a lot but I just, I haven't found the groove of studying and also the fact my house is very distracting, if I was to go to the library, I would of done a bunch of work and it would make me feel great but I haven't. Why? Because for 1, train tickets are expensive and 2, I'm too lazy to go + I'd be by myself. 

Today the weather looks amazing, it's supposedly 26ºC and I'm at home 'trying' to do some work, I've done some but I just can't think of how to make it sound professional and flow - since it is a group assignment, I have the last question which needs to link with the first 3 questions that my other team mates are doing - which I have no idea what they're writing about, so for me to know whether it flows is unknown.

Last Saturday, the 14th, I went paddle boarding for the first time with the girls and it was really fun, it was tricky to get myself turning and trying not to hit into objects, but other than that, it was a really great experience, I may not be doing that for a while but it was fun while it lasted and I really recommend anyone to go ahead and go paddle boarding.

I saw this girl on Monday and she was gorgeous and I just thought to myself, I want to be like her, she looked driven, intelligent and seemed to be comfortable in her skin, by the way she act and spoke, she was very inspiring, to say the least. This made me rethink the values, my fashion style and just myself in general. My fashion sense isn't all that fantastic, I mean my wardrobe is standard and it's nothing special, I want to stand out - not by wearing crazy outfits, but look sophisticated and I guess, creating a persona for myself. Now I know being yourself is the best outfit to wear but for me to look and feel sophisticated makes me feel confident in myself and gets me going throughout the day.

Wow this is a very very long entry post, well I guess it's expected since I haven't written in 12 days haha.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, I will be somehow, spicing up this blog, I'm trying to find time and 'creativity' to add to this page.

Yours Truly,

Bella.

Just thinking

10/9/13

I don't know what to write for today, just feels like every other day so far, right now, I feel, emotionless, there is always a time in the day where inside I feel nothing. I'm just sitting here, trying to think and usually when I think, I get emotional but right now I'm not. 

In my previous blog entries, I wrote about this boy, the one in my lecture on Tuesday and Friday mornings, I didn't see him on Friday and I didn't see him today but that didn't bother me, since I don't know him but it did make me wonder if he switched lectures.

I've realised, I don't know what I want in life or who I want to be with and I feel like we're always constantly looking for love, looking for that significant other but what for? To feel happiness? To know your place in this world? 

I haven't had much thought or attempt in searching for a guy, I'm just waiting for it to come to me, I mean, I do still like to put on a flirtatious and hard-to-get 'act' or persona when i'm in public because I don't know, maybe just to tease people and give them something to run for their money? If that even happens but I just psychologically think that's what I'm doing, that I'm teasing them. I don't even know if what I just wrote made any sense.

One day, everyone will find love and it doesn't have to be the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' love, it's any type of love, the ones that make you feel happy, warm, the ones that make you smile and laugh. Love that sets you free from worries when you're with them and that makes you feel alive.

Anyways, I really should go to sleep, I am really tired, I woke up at 5:30am this morning and I'm just done with being awake right now and my eyes are telling me to go to bed!

I hope you all find love and happiness that you deserve and treasure it.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Ariana Grande ♡

10/9/13

Yours Truly by Ariana Grande

1) Honeymoon Avenue

2) Baby I

3) Right There feat Big Sean

4) Tattooed Heart

5) Lovin' It

6) Piano

7) Daydreamin'

8) The Way feat Mac Miller

9) You'll never know

10) Almost is Never Enough feat Nathan Sykes

11) Popular Song feat Mika

12) Better left unsaid

I know I am really really delayed with this post but can we just sit here and appreciate this amazing gift sent from the heavens?!!?!

Yours Truly by Ariana Grande came out like 6 days ago? I have always been obsessed with Ari but this just tops it up even more, I am soooo in love with this album, I was excited before it came out and I am still excited, it has been the only playlist I have listened to all week, her album.

Before I heard all the songs and she only released The Way and Baby I, they were my go-to music but now with these other songs, they are all amazing but I have found some other favourites; they are in no particular order - Piano, Honeymoon Avenue, Almost is Never Enough, Tattooed Heart.

- I really do recommend listening to this album, Ariana Grande is an amazing artist with great talent and you will not regret it.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Get Active

7/9/13

It is another beautiful Saturday, a 27 degree day, it couldn't be more perfect!

So let me just recap the past two days, on Thursday, me and my friend Mike decided to make a deal, well I brought up the idea, but every Thursday's, we go down to the park and go for a run. So on Thursday, I was a little nervous because I haven't ran in ages and I feel I'm very slow and my cardiovascular system isn't ready but we did it. I pushed myself to try harder, there's this hill at the park and he said to run it up and down 30 times, silly goal, when we got to the 5th up and down the hill, we were tired! So I decided ok, I'll run it up and walk it down but I felt good after, I felt healthy, alive and happy. I ended up only going up and down twelve times and he only did 10, which makes me feel better about myself haha.

That same night was Fashion Night Out, I decided to dress decent and wear heels out to the city, I went with other people, Paula and Sarah, as well as Mike. I was expecting big sales and finding a bunch of new clothes or accessories, but there wasn't many that caught my eye or attention but I did buy 3 things.

- A top from Sportsgirl for $14.95, as it had a 'take $10 off' sale, so it originally was $24.95.

- A blazer from Zara for $89.95. Zara didn't have a sale but I've been wanting a blazer however I'm going to keep the receipt and go back to Zara and check out if there is any other blazer's I may like better and maybe swap it.

- A jumpsuit from a shop called Rocking on Fifth; it's those shops in the middle of the shopping centres, so it's not really a store just an open ground to sell clothes and accessories. I really like the jumpsuit, it's floral print and perfect for Spring/Summer; it was $30-40 I forgot but it was 20% off.

On Friday, was just another day of uni, it was 26 degrees and I ended up getting a little tan on my chest and arms haha. I also realized, I'm just going to be myself and don't worry about boys, they can find me haha. Also after than run, my body is aching and it still is today, like they say 'No Pain, No Gain'.

Today is Election Day! Yay, fun haha, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, it was pretty simple but I remember back in Highschool during Commerce, that the teacher made a huge deal and made it sound really confusing. Today I'm going to buckle my head down and learn Accounting, I find it very very confusing and I look really dumb in class.

So as I usually end off; make a goal and do it, you will feel so much better after you get into a routine or habit and you will see results; whether it is a goal about body image or achieving your dream - just go for it!

Happy Saturday

Yours Truly,

Bella

Another day

3/8/13

I don't like Tuesdays, I mean the waking up part is what I don't like about it, having to wake up at 5:30am is not ideal at all. Another day at uni, it has been 6 weeks already and I haven't done much, it has flown so quickly! There's this one guy, something about him, other than his looks of course, makes me feel like a girl, like I am girl but shy and cautious of what to say. I don't know his name and I've never spoken to him ever! He sits 1-2 rows in front of where I sit and he's such a charmer, he's not a person who sits there and bludges, I see him actually doing work which makes me more interested. I like a smart man. I also see him on Friday's but he sits on the other side of the lecture room with his mates, which makes it harder for me to have a good morning weekly fix, haha, does this make me sound creepy? I'm a very observant person and I remember faces, faces that strike my attention more to speak. 

Right now I'm watching Big Brother and I'm eating shapes... Shapes, oh god, I should stop, it's so unhealthy but it tastes so good! Tomorrow I'm going to wake up, do some yoga and some other exercises, then do any homework, do some study & STOP PROCRASTINATING!!

What do you think, am I a creep? Or is this normal? I feel that I notice and over-hear things a lot, which makes me seem a little stalkerish but I'm just observant!! 

I hope you had a good Tuesday, it was good for me, the sun was shining and I got to see the mysterious charming male specimen hahaha oh golly.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Goodmorning

2/8/13

It's another beautiful day, the sun is shining, I have the day off from uni and I've done some light yoga stretches. With my new outlook on life (even though it's been a day), I feel better plus I can finally paint my nails with the new colour I recently purchased, Sparrow Me the Drama by OPI.

Today I'm going to do as I promised, to make some uni notes and complete any tasks that's given for the week and I'll think about whether to do some exercise or not. I also recently purchased two new beauty products - 1st the Tea Tree Oil Mask from the Body Shop and 2nd product is the Tea Tree Blemish Fade Night Lotion from the Body Shop. The mask is used only once a week, after using it my face feels fresh and clean, the Night Lotion is recommended to be used every night and I have already seen results, the blemishes are slowly fading away and at first I thought this product is so pricey, it was around $23 for such a small bottle, but now that I have used it, it's definitely worth the bucks.

I have also been using Cetaphil Cleanser and the Moisturiser, it has also been a great investment, my face is much clearer to what it was 2 years ago, however this has been in conjunction with a good diet and also with herbal medicines or healthy soups.

So, for those who are battling with blemishes and need a way to clear them up, definitely try the products listed in this blog, however I can not guarantee the same results because we all have different skin complexions. 

Hope you have a very good Monday, stay safe and appreciate everything that you have today.

Yours Truly,

Bella