Opening up

15/01/14

Hello readers,

On Monday night, I decided to open up and just go for it, asked him how he feels about me because I needed to know, I needed to know where this somewhat 'relationship' stands, whether he liked me the way that I liked him and if he ever wanted to pursue a relationship. 

That whole day I was just in a wallowing mood, I wasn't at my happiest but I wasn't at my lowest however I did end up in the night breaking down when I took a shower and I don't even know why. 

I told him how I felt and thought, that I do like him and I don't expect him to like me back, I don't want to hurt him if I was to ever become involved with some other guy - let me recap who I am talking about here, he lives in another state and we've known each other since I was 9 or 10 (I am turning 19 soon) and only recently we reconnected through txt messaging over the past year (2013).

He told me, that if we were to ever meet in real life and we do end up liking each other then things will change, I don't expect him to change how he feels about me after the talk, I just wanted to let him know where I stand with my feelings and to let him know that I don't want to hurt him, hurt him in the way that he may think that I was leading him on and just playing with him (if I was to end up with someone else).

But in the end, things happen for a reason and if it was meant to be, it's meant to be, if it's not then that is ok, that is life. Not everything is supposed to sail perfectly, what you want or see in your future will not always be that way.

Also if someone is that special to you, they are worth the wait and he is but it's hard because he lives so far away, I can't wait forever, but I did stick with my guns and stayed loyal, people say that I shouldn't even bother with him because 'long distant' relationships 'don't work' but you never know, you never know until you try, I'd rather try than regret not trying at all, I don't want to look back in 3 months, in 6 months, in 2 years and regret and say to myself "What if I continued and didn't give up on him, would we have been something, would be together?" 

I guess the main reason I got upset and broke down was because I don't want those people who said "long distant relationships don't work', I don't want them to say "I told you so" "You should of listened to me" "You waisted your time", but in the end, it's my choice, my choice whether to listen to them and do what they said and it is my choice whether to continue to hold on or not because in the end, it's my heart, not theirs.

After opening up to him that night, it opened up my mind and my heart, and it was good, I relaxed me, it put my at ease with my emotions and thoughts. I was scared to do it, scared to ask but it was all worth it in the end, we still talk till this day and I am happy :)
And whatever happens, happens and I'll be happy about it.

I'm glad I did what I did because I am happy.

Don't be scared to tell somebody how you truly feel, don't be scared to ask someone whether they like you or not, I know the whole 'rejection, losing a friend' aspect can be intimidating but it will put you at ease in the end, it will show the true colours of the other person.

Guys are also scared too, scared to talk or ask anything to girls, they are just like us but someone has to step up, guys like being messaged first by a girl, it kind of puts pressure of their backs and sometimes us girls need to be empowered to maybe be the man in the relationship.

So don't be afraid, whatever is on your mind, just tell them! It will be worth it in the end!

Yours Truly,

Bella

Friends & Music | ♡

18/12/13

Good morning everyone, hope you are all having a good Wednesday, it has been incredibly hot these past few days, however it did rain a little, which this bipolar weather isn't really my favourite.

So recently, my close friend texted me and he had a question, something he wanted to talk about and I was like sure, what is it, what's your question?

He asked me something that I would of never of expected, especially from him, it made me open up my eyes that my closest friends who are as chirpy as I am and their lives, from my eyes, look effortless and

fun, it's not stressful like mine but when he told me how he was feeling and asking me if I ever feel they way that he has... it astonishes me, a lot.

I never knew he would ever feel this way, he always seemed popular and surrounded by amazing friends and I, myself, when I'm at parties or gatherings, I would look at all my friends and sit there, in silence because I'm not as close with them, I feel left out, I feel I'm not as interesting as they are with others and now knowing, that at times he feels the same, it makes me feel... confused.

I'm here to help him though, I've been through it all and I've found ways to cope with these feelings.

On another note, writing music is so difficult, difficult in terms of getting the write words, melody and making sure the message sounds okay or it's not creepy at all.

Horoscope | ♡

12/12/13

Pisces Horoscope 2013

"Intensity has been at an all time high when it comes to love, Pisces, and today will be no different. You may be feeling a sense of warning in the air, but once again this is more in your imagination than in reality. If someone has put an offer on the table, you are wisest to at least give this one a shot. You may feel you are risking too much by doing so, but if you examine the past, you know this person will be there for you no matter what happens down the road. True love is unconditional, and the words you are hearing are sincere enough. You will need to believe in this unconditionally as well, for if you do not believe that you can be loved this way, how can you expect to share your own love in the same manner?"

I don't know whether I should believe this, but it seems somewhat true, I don't now whether the guy that I like, likes me back or feels the same way. I don't know if my texting is annoying and he's trying to escape from it and I'm just scared, scared to lose him or make him think I'm clingy/crazy.

Hardest part is, he lives so far away, far away as in a different state and I don't know if there is another girl. Am I just over thinking everything? I don't talk to him as much as everyone thinks that I do and I don't know how he actually feels or thinks, it's hard knowing without seeing their actual reactions and having that face to face interactivity.

I guess time will tell and I really hope this horoscope is true, so then all my thinking can just disappear.

Yours Truly,

Bella.

A life update | ♡

09/12/13

Hello hello, it has been... forever long since my last post. Mainly because nothing exciting has came up or.. I just forget or I am too lazy to update.

Oh however, I did go to Melbourne on the 25th of November to the 29th of November. The trip was so much fun, I actually enjoyed it, the hype around the whole, shopping is better in Melbourne.. I don't know, it seems the same, some of the fashion are the same however there are some stores that are in Sydney as well but have different styles in Melbourne, the prices are fairly similar as well. I didn't purchase much, things seemed the same however the food, is AH-MAZING! It tastes so so good and definitely worth the money (kinda expensive but worth it), Schnitz, oh my god! Delicious chicken parmigiana's ever!!!

Ever since I went to Melbourne and shopped in Portmans, I have recently been going in to the Sydney stores and checking out their clothing and I really like it, it's nice and elegant, it's not the too casual.. mainstream teen type of clothing, it's more mature and fashionable, definitely, also it's very chic and I like that, it has style and it's worth it's penny (well some items).

Overall, Melbourne is quite nice, I stayed at the Somerset on Elizabeth hotel which has a kitchen in the room which is great and it's in like the heart of the city of Melbourne which you could get around places so easily, so very close to Bourke St.

Umm what else is new in my life.. Well I've started to write some songs and I don't know whether they're good or not, I find it difficult to write lyrics because for starters, I've never done it before and I'm just winging it. My friend is helping me of course with the melody and how the piano will go with the lyrics, so this might me a long process. I don't even know if people will like the lyrics I have written up, I know someone in particular probably won't like it, but I couldn't care less because.. I.. feel that, this person, doesn't deserve my respect if they don't respect me after everything that I have done, such as forgiveness, respected their space and time and everything and so whatever, if they don't like that it's about them, then whatever, I shall be the next Taylor Swift, I don't care.

But other than that, I hope people do like the song, obviously it won't be like a killer top 10 on iTunes (haha I wish).

Christmas is also around the corner! So is the New Year!!! 

I literally... feel to poor to buy anybody Christmas Presents, in fact, I don't even know what to buy people these days, everyone is getting older, buying gifts for boys is 100x more difficult but I have no idea what they want! Also I don't know what my Aunties and Uncles would like or need, especially when I have a mum who is very very (VERY!) picky with what she buys for people, not in terms of, it has to be the best gift but rather it has to be something useful and a certain quality that she likes not to mention my Aunties and Uncles are also picky as well (apparently, all the more to add to the list of difficulties of Christmas Presents).

All in all, nothing much has changed in my life, I wish I could say something amazing has happened but nope, sadly. However I appreciate my life, each and everyday, I just have to make my own changes rather than wait for changes to happen because that's the only way we can survive and in order for us to be happy.

I hope everyone has a good day and a good week!

Yours Truly,

Bella

Relationships | ♡

13/11/13

It's Wednesday and it's finally good weather, it's been raining for the past 2 days and I can't stand the rain, it's cold and miserable. On top of that, it's exam finals period for me and I'm tired from waking up early in the wee hours of the morning and getting stuck into books and notes till the dead of night. I'm barely getting sleep, around 5hrs to 7hrs top. Oh the joys of University. I have one exam left and that is next Tuesday, so hopefully, if I am able to study throughout these next few days, efficiently, without procrastination, I won't have to cram and sleep late on the Monday night, worrying about the exam.

What else is boggling my mind, is him, Hermit, haha, every time I bring that silly name up, it makes me chuckle.

He drives me absolutely insane, he's charming, extremely talented, in my opinion and something about him makes me really want him, really wanting him to be mine - not in a crazy 'I have to have him and nobody can' type of way, but a 'I want you to know that I like you' haha - I don't think I'm making sense. I want to receive those 'goodmorning' or 'goodnight' texts because when those happen, it makes my day a whole lot better, also everytime I receive a snapchat from him, it makes me smile like crazy and wishing those photos would last longer than 10 seconds. 

Hardest part is, he lives 1000000kms away, I don't know what he is really thinking or acting when he texts me, I don't know if this is him being nice or just a friend, or merely interested. I'm trying not to get my hopes and expectations up and thinking/feeling the way I feel, but I do hope that is the case and if not.. I'm fine with that but it would suck if he actually has a girl he's interested over where he is and I'm just this annoying girl from 100000kms away texting haha.

Eugh! Why does falling in love or liking someone have to be so difficult, especially distant people you're interested in. I know people say distant relationships are the hardest and don't work but what is there to lose to just try and make it work?

Sometimes I feel stupid for even thinking we are an item, or becoming one because what if that is not what he's thinking or feeling?? Hmm, I don't want to ask and be forward because that might scare him..

I don't know, I hope everyone else has a great day and enjoy the rest of the week! It's nearly Christmas!! Hooray!

Yours Truly,

Bella

Confusing people

31/10/13

Happy Halloween everyone! However we don't really celebrate it in Australia but oh well haha.

So, Hermit (I've introduced him in my older entries), we have been talking for a while now and every time I talk to him, talk as in messaging, we've only skyped twice, anyways I haven't had a conversation with him for the past 2 days. I mean it's not something to go all sad and crazy about, but it is weird.

Sometimes I do think whether he only texts me when he is bored and I don't know what he thinks when we talk to each other, like what is this type of friendship/relationship, I'm not saying we are definitely like gf/bf, I'm just saying could this be one that leads into one? 

I'm not desperate or crazy to want him but I just like to know where I stand and what I am to him. However he is quite the busy person, he's always out with his mates or work and other activities and recently he's been on set doing work... so maybe that could be why he's been not as active as before?

Whatever happens, happens and if we were meant to be then we were meant to be together, time will tell and yeah.

It's not much I have to lose, we'd still be friends just nothing more...

I sound crazy and a confusing person myself, now that I think about it haha.

I can't think of anything else to write, I'm starting to realise that maybe I do miss him, more than I usually would than I would other people and I guess that kinda shows I have small feelings for him...

I don't know where this is going ... haha

Yours Truly,

Bella

Reality

19/10/13

Hello once again, I have something to update this page about and that has been on my mind.

So for the past 2 days, NSW has been under danger, I guess to put it that way, there has been fires blazing around NSW and the air is so polluted, it's all foggy and it smells like smoke. I pray for those firemen who have been injured and I pray for those families who have lost their homes to these blazes. It truly is tragic when everything in your home is destroyed.
I'd like to thank the Australian services, police, ambulance and most importantly the firefighters who have risked their lives to help the nation, thank you for your courage and bravery.

On another note, there's this guy, I called him Hermit in my older post, we're talking again and we added each other on Skype and it's probably the first time we've actually talked together with our voices. It was... fun haha, every time I think about it, I smile to myself but the thing is, I don't think anything will happen between us. Not that I'm desperate or really wanting something to happen but what are you supposed to do in these situations? My parents don't allow me to travel with my friends to other states or let alone a hotel, so it would be impossible for me to meet him in person.

I've know him for 9 years and I find that absolutely crazy! We didn't talk all the time during those 9 years, if I was to put together how many years we've actually talked, it may be 5 years.

The only relationship I see in this, would be an open relationship, probably not even a relationship maybe just a distant good friendship relationship? Hahaha I don't know what I'm saying here.

- I don't even know if he thinks or feels the same way as I do, so I can't assume what I'm feeling will be reciprocated, the last thing I want to do is scare this kid away and make him think I'm really desperate haha but I'm not, so fingers crossed!

I need some advice or maybe I should just let this sit out and see where time will take us.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, please appreciate everything you have and tell the ones closest to you that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Please pray and give your thoughts to those families who have lost their homes in Australia, NSW, from the fires. I wish whoever is reading this, love, happiness, health and wealth.

Yours Truly,

Bella