Emotions

27/9/13

This journal entry, is going to be the inner me, the emotional part of myself that I don't show to others or let other people know about and what I've been feeling for the past 2 days.

I'm a person who doesn't want people to know that I'm sad, I want them to see the happy me because I don't want people to worry about me and I think having the happy quality/personality is more preferable than a miserable aura.

I like being happy, I like being able to laugh and not pretend to feel a certain emotion that I know that's not true but I guess you got to have the bad to have the good. So on Wednesday, I was having a pretty okay day, I went to the library, studied and did my work with a friend, went to the local shops and Leo works there and apparently he walked into work while me and my friend were shopping, I waited because well, I like to say hi to people (obviously if I'm in a good mood) but he never came out so we decided to leave.

When I got home, I was about to text Leo about how we waited but he never came out and as I was about to text him, there was two old messages which I didn't even know that I had received, which was received on the 15th so that was like 10 days late for me to see.

It read along the lines of how he didn't want us to talk anymore, how we can't be friends (I'm assuming) and how it's hard for him to get over me (p.s he is my ex), what I found the most upsetting that night, I mean I wasn't sad like depressed sad but I wasn't happy either, I was in the numb emotion, where I had no feelings whatsoever. However the next day I was in a whatever mood, like I bummed around that day, listening to songs to cry too, okay this is going to be weird, but there are times where I enjoy crying. 

Maybe the main reason that I feel the way that I do is the fact that, he never fought for me to get me back again or even try to talk to me. He'd rather message me this than tell me in person, he never tells me what's on his mind in person and that is what frustrates me the most, he becomes silent or he just walks away from my presence (this is at parties or just casual hangouts with group of friends). That was the main reason we broke up, it was because he would always walk away from me and just completely ignore me when we were together and back then it hurt me a lot because I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I blamed everything on myself and I doubted myself so much that I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. It hurt me even more that he could talk to other girls more than he would talk to me and obviously that's when I kept thinking about how these other girls were much more prettier than I was and he'd be better off with them instead of me.

I fought my side of the war, I tried to do my part because that's what you do, you fight for those who you care for, you don't give them up but I guess I understand, he can't get over me unless he stops talking/seeing me, I mean I didn't really want to get back together so why would he bother to fight for me? 

I guess if it is for the best, you just got to let it go.

Yours Truly,

Bella

This image sums me up

Self reflection | ♡

22/9/2013

So last night, I moved the keyboard piano into my bedroom (finally!) after years of contemplating whether to move it or not because I was concerned with space in my room and all that jazz. I haven't played piano in a very very long time, in terms of fluently, as a kid, my parents took me to piano lessons and I really enjoyed it, this all started because as a small toddler I'd climb onto the piano seat and just play the piano which is why they decided to take me to lessons. 

I wasn't a bad player, however, I won't say I was a great player, after being chosen or whether it was a compulsory test or competition I had to attend and play this piano piece, I think it was Minuet piano piece I had to play in front of an audiences and judges, before leaving the house, I played the piece once over and it was perfect, I knew every chord but when it came to crunch time, I failed.

I forgot the musical piece, I only remembered a verse and what did I do? I kept on playing that verse over and over again till it hit the 3 min mark which I remember so vividly being a small bell that they'd ring to tell us how long it has been. 

I remember hopping off that piano and went straight to my seat and I was in distraught, I got a 'participation' certificate and I remember leaving that hall, crying, I felt incompetent, hopeless and a failure after all those efforts of taking me to piano lessons, were for nothing, were for me to forget how to play a piece without the music sheet in front of me.

After that event, I decided to quit piano, I made every excuse possible, from I don't like playing piano to my fingers hurt and that's why my pinky is bent the way that it is. I quit playing the piano because I failed.

I realised after playing the keyboard piano in my room that, that's not the motto that I live by, I don't quit on something because I fail or because it was unsuccessful or because it's not what I expected it to turn out to be, I'm not that type of person now. I'm a person who will continue to try, to change and to be better at something.

And now, now I regret ever quitting playing piano, the piano is so fun to play with and the fact I don't remember how to read chords or how to even play the piano properly and fluently, it makes me upset. It makes me feel disappointed in the little me, that I gave up on something because it brought me to tears. 

I really want to become better at playing, I really do, I want to learn the songs that I love singing, which I might add, I have been practicing to play 'Almost is Never Enough' by Ariana Grande ft Nathan Sykes - However I'm still a little rusty and I can't get the singing and playing down right or having it at the right tune/tone to suit my voice.

So if you ever loved/liked something but you gave up on it because it 'failed' at it 'once', try and pick it up again, continue to fight for what you enjoy, no matter what anybody else thinks of you because at the end of the day, you enjoy doing it and you can always improve what you have once failed at doing. Improvement is an accomplishment that gives you hope and life. 

I can't exercise how important it is to not give up, because giving up is failure in itself. To not try is to fail but to succeed is to try, even if you fail.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Update | ♡

22/9/2013

It has been 12 days since my last entry, now it's not because I'm lazy, it's just there's nothing really new that has been happening. I have been on uni 'study break' which goes for 2 weeks, so first week of holidays went by really fast, I feel like I have done nothing since the first day of holidays when I have a tonne of work to do! I have four group assignments and I'm pretty sure I have quizzes and exams around 1st or 2nd week back!

I procrastinate a lot but I just, I haven't found the groove of studying and also the fact my house is very distracting, if I was to go to the library, I would of done a bunch of work and it would make me feel great but I haven't. Why? Because for 1, train tickets are expensive and 2, I'm too lazy to go + I'd be by myself. 

Today the weather looks amazing, it's supposedly 26ºC and I'm at home 'trying' to do some work, I've done some but I just can't think of how to make it sound professional and flow - since it is a group assignment, I have the last question which needs to link with the first 3 questions that my other team mates are doing - which I have no idea what they're writing about, so for me to know whether it flows is unknown.

Last Saturday, the 14th, I went paddle boarding for the first time with the girls and it was really fun, it was tricky to get myself turning and trying not to hit into objects, but other than that, it was a really great experience, I may not be doing that for a while but it was fun while it lasted and I really recommend anyone to go ahead and go paddle boarding.

I saw this girl on Monday and she was gorgeous and I just thought to myself, I want to be like her, she looked driven, intelligent and seemed to be comfortable in her skin, by the way she act and spoke, she was very inspiring, to say the least. This made me rethink the values, my fashion style and just myself in general. My fashion sense isn't all that fantastic, I mean my wardrobe is standard and it's nothing special, I want to stand out - not by wearing crazy outfits, but look sophisticated and I guess, creating a persona for myself. Now I know being yourself is the best outfit to wear but for me to look and feel sophisticated makes me feel confident in myself and gets me going throughout the day.

Wow this is a very very long entry post, well I guess it's expected since I haven't written in 12 days haha.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, I will be somehow, spicing up this blog, I'm trying to find time and 'creativity' to add to this page.

Yours Truly,

Bella.

Just thinking

10/9/13

I don't know what to write for today, just feels like every other day so far, right now, I feel, emotionless, there is always a time in the day where inside I feel nothing. I'm just sitting here, trying to think and usually when I think, I get emotional but right now I'm not. 

In my previous blog entries, I wrote about this boy, the one in my lecture on Tuesday and Friday mornings, I didn't see him on Friday and I didn't see him today but that didn't bother me, since I don't know him but it did make me wonder if he switched lectures.

I've realised, I don't know what I want in life or who I want to be with and I feel like we're always constantly looking for love, looking for that significant other but what for? To feel happiness? To know your place in this world? 

I haven't had much thought or attempt in searching for a guy, I'm just waiting for it to come to me, I mean, I do still like to put on a flirtatious and hard-to-get 'act' or persona when i'm in public because I don't know, maybe just to tease people and give them something to run for their money? If that even happens but I just psychologically think that's what I'm doing, that I'm teasing them. I don't even know if what I just wrote made any sense.

One day, everyone will find love and it doesn't have to be the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' love, it's any type of love, the ones that make you feel happy, warm, the ones that make you smile and laugh. Love that sets you free from worries when you're with them and that makes you feel alive.

Anyways, I really should go to sleep, I am really tired, I woke up at 5:30am this morning and I'm just done with being awake right now and my eyes are telling me to go to bed!

I hope you all find love and happiness that you deserve and treasure it.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Ariana Grande ♡

10/9/13

Yours Truly by Ariana Grande

1) Honeymoon Avenue

2) Baby I

3) Right There feat Big Sean

4) Tattooed Heart

5) Lovin' It

6) Piano

7) Daydreamin'

8) The Way feat Mac Miller

9) You'll never know

10) Almost is Never Enough feat Nathan Sykes

11) Popular Song feat Mika

12) Better left unsaid

I know I am really really delayed with this post but can we just sit here and appreciate this amazing gift sent from the heavens?!!?!

Yours Truly by Ariana Grande came out like 6 days ago? I have always been obsessed with Ari but this just tops it up even more, I am soooo in love with this album, I was excited before it came out and I am still excited, it has been the only playlist I have listened to all week, her album.

Before I heard all the songs and she only released The Way and Baby I, they were my go-to music but now with these other songs, they are all amazing but I have found some other favourites; they are in no particular order - Piano, Honeymoon Avenue, Almost is Never Enough, Tattooed Heart.

- I really do recommend listening to this album, Ariana Grande is an amazing artist with great talent and you will not regret it.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Get Active

7/9/13

It is another beautiful Saturday, a 27 degree day, it couldn't be more perfect!

So let me just recap the past two days, on Thursday, me and my friend Mike decided to make a deal, well I brought up the idea, but every Thursday's, we go down to the park and go for a run. So on Thursday, I was a little nervous because I haven't ran in ages and I feel I'm very slow and my cardiovascular system isn't ready but we did it. I pushed myself to try harder, there's this hill at the park and he said to run it up and down 30 times, silly goal, when we got to the 5th up and down the hill, we were tired! So I decided ok, I'll run it up and walk it down but I felt good after, I felt healthy, alive and happy. I ended up only going up and down twelve times and he only did 10, which makes me feel better about myself haha.

That same night was Fashion Night Out, I decided to dress decent and wear heels out to the city, I went with other people, Paula and Sarah, as well as Mike. I was expecting big sales and finding a bunch of new clothes or accessories, but there wasn't many that caught my eye or attention but I did buy 3 things.

- A top from Sportsgirl for $14.95, as it had a 'take $10 off' sale, so it originally was $24.95.

- A blazer from Zara for $89.95. Zara didn't have a sale but I've been wanting a blazer however I'm going to keep the receipt and go back to Zara and check out if there is any other blazer's I may like better and maybe swap it.

- A jumpsuit from a shop called Rocking on Fifth; it's those shops in the middle of the shopping centres, so it's not really a store just an open ground to sell clothes and accessories. I really like the jumpsuit, it's floral print and perfect for Spring/Summer; it was $30-40 I forgot but it was 20% off.

On Friday, was just another day of uni, it was 26 degrees and I ended up getting a little tan on my chest and arms haha. I also realized, I'm just going to be myself and don't worry about boys, they can find me haha. Also after than run, my body is aching and it still is today, like they say 'No Pain, No Gain'.

Today is Election Day! Yay, fun haha, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, it was pretty simple but I remember back in Highschool during Commerce, that the teacher made a huge deal and made it sound really confusing. Today I'm going to buckle my head down and learn Accounting, I find it very very confusing and I look really dumb in class.

So as I usually end off; make a goal and do it, you will feel so much better after you get into a routine or habit and you will see results; whether it is a goal about body image or achieving your dream - just go for it!

Happy Saturday

Yours Truly,

Bella