26/4/2014
This year, 2014, I don't think it's working for me, I have had so much going wrong for me and I haven't felt all these emotions since the time in 2010 and the little hiccup in 2013.
But it's not just my emotions, it's just everything, university, work, family and relationships.
University is really taking a toll on me, financially and mentally, I feel like I have to give up so much just so I can stay on top of the work that's given to me, keeping up with notes and completing assignments, as much as I have sacrificed like going out and hanging with my friends, I'm still behind with the work.
The fact I'm also limiting the amount of days to work, just to one day a week, which I'm barely even getting rostered onto that day, not to mention I'm already getting paid less than minimum and I haven't received a payslip for the past 2 months. I have hassled my boss, every single time I see him and if I don't see him, I call and message him up about it. It has literally be 2+ months, does he not realise what he's doing is illegal? On top of that being paid under minimum wage? Not rostering casual staff for 3 months, FOR NO REASON NOT TO MENTION.
He is absolutely selfish and my hatred for this man, is sky rocketing, I just get so mad thinking about it and the worst part of all, I can't seem to get a new job and even if I go searching for one, they want experienced people who have worked in the field before or require working 3 days minimum. I can't even work 1 day a week without feeling stressed from university. So I'm stuck in a dilemma, whether to earn money by working at jobs requiring 3 days minimum and just get average marks in university and stress out OR to stay at this stupid workplace, 1 to no shifts, underpaid and be somewhat on top of notes?
I don't know what's more important! I'm not even getting any support or encouragement from my parents, I have no support network at all.
"Get a new job" - "But I don't think I can work 3 days minimum and no-ones hiring me anyways, I can't work so much when I'm studying" - "Then don't work, simple, stop complaining about your job and quit, find a new one" - "Do you want me to do well in my education?" - "Whatever".
The only reason I'm going to university is because they want me to go to university, the course that I'm doing, sure it's interesting and it's somewhat in the field I want to do but I don't see me enjoying it. I actually don't know what I want to be when I get older, I have no idea what's out there and yeah I'm pretty scared, I'm scared of being a failure.
That's where it saddens me the most, I feel like everyone expects so much from me, expect me to be really smart, to get Distinctions and High Distinctions, just to make them happy and proud of me.. But I'm not happy at all, I'm so restricted to please people and I know people are probably thinking "Just do your own thing, why do you have to follow what people expect you to do" - it's because if I don't, I have nothing, my parents will look down at me, judge me for the rest of my life... I don't want to disappoint them, maybe I'm not strong enough, I don't have the guts to do my own thing because I'm unsure of everything, unsure of my future, I mean I have no talents or good at anything particular that I want to pursue as a career... I'm just not good at anything.
That's where it saddens me the most, I feel like everyone expects so much from me, expect me to be really smart, to get Distinctions and High Distinctions, just to make them happy and proud of me.. But I'm not happy at all, I'm so restricted to please people and I know people are probably thinking "Just do your own thing, why do you have to follow what people expect you to do" - it's because if I don't, I have nothing, my parents will look down at me, judge me for the rest of my life... I don't want to disappoint them, maybe I'm not strong enough, I don't have the guts to do my own thing because I'm unsure of everything, unsure of my future, I mean I have no talents or good at anything particular that I want to pursue as a career... I'm just not good at anything.
I know they care for me, they want me to do my best but I've created my illusion of what best is, to not fail. Even if I do my best, like getting a distinction or around a mark around 80% "Oh nice, you can do better though if you got off facebook and youtube"... like what...? I worked blood sweat and tears for this mark.
I find it sooooo difficult to stand up to my parents, the idea of breaking their trust, is... something I can't do. I don't understand how other people, my friends do it, how are they allowed to do whatever they want and still get support for it, like go and get tattoos, go out and party.. do there parents care about what marks they get just as long as they pass? Or as long as they know what they want to do, they can go for it?
Worst part about it all, is they don't know, they don't know any of this..
Worst part about it all, is they don't know, they don't know any of this..
Why am I so tough on myself?
Why am I always crying about it, if I can change it?
Why don't I change myself?
Why am I not strong enough?
Why am I so god damn ugly, can't these pimples just go away!!! can't that little stomach just disappear, can my bum just not be flat, can my nose be smaller and make my eyes bigger, why couldn't I be born with perfectly straight teeth.
Why is nothing working out for me? I mean I know I don't have the worst of everything, I'm living in a nice home in a beautiful country, I have two parents, I have a pet dog, I have a phone, I have a laptop, I have an education, I have food and warm water.
Why can't I just be happy with everything I have?!!??
Am I selfish? I know the world doesn't revolve just around me but why does it feel like everyone I know are allowed to do whatever they want and also not suffer with pimples, why are they happier life than me?
