This year

26/4/2014

This year, 2014, I don't think it's working for me, I have had so much going wrong for me and I haven't felt all these emotions since the time in 2010 and the little hiccup in 2013.

But it's not just my emotions, it's just everything, university, work, family and relationships.

University is really taking a toll on me, financially and mentally, I feel like I have to give up so much just so I can stay on top of the work that's given to me, keeping up with notes and completing assignments, as much as I have sacrificed like going out and hanging with my friends, I'm still behind with the work.

The fact I'm also limiting the amount of days to work, just to one day a week, which I'm barely even getting rostered onto that day, not to mention I'm already getting paid less than minimum and I haven't received a payslip for the past 2 months. I have hassled my boss, every single time I see him and if I don't see him, I call and message him up about it. It has literally be 2+ months, does he not realise what he's doing is illegal? On top of that being paid under minimum wage? Not rostering casual staff for 3 months, FOR NO REASON NOT TO MENTION.

He is absolutely selfish and my hatred for this man, is sky rocketing, I just get so mad thinking about it and the worst part of all, I can't seem to get a new job and even if I go searching for one, they want experienced people who have worked in the field before or require working 3 days minimum. I can't even work 1 day a week without feeling stressed from university. So I'm stuck in a dilemma, whether to earn money by working at jobs requiring 3 days minimum and just get average marks in university and stress out OR to stay at this stupid workplace, 1 to no shifts, underpaid and be somewhat on top of notes?

I don't know what's more important! I'm not even getting any support or encouragement from my parents, I have no support network at all.

"Get a new job" - "But I don't think I can work 3 days minimum and no-ones hiring me anyways, I can't work so much when I'm studying" - "Then don't work, simple, stop complaining about your job and quit, find a new one" - "Do you want me to do well in my education?" - "Whatever".

The only reason I'm going to university is because they want me to go to university, the course that I'm doing, sure it's interesting and it's somewhat in the field I want to do but I don't see me enjoying it. I actually don't know what I want to be when I get older, I have no idea what's out there and yeah I'm pretty scared, I'm scared of being a failure.
That's where it saddens me the most, I feel like everyone expects so much from me, expect me to be really smart, to get Distinctions and High Distinctions, just to make them happy and proud of me.. But I'm not happy at all, I'm so restricted to please people and I know people are probably thinking "Just do your own thing, why do you have to follow what people expect you to do" - it's because if I don't, I have nothing, my parents will look down at me, judge me for the rest of my life... I don't want to disappoint them, maybe I'm not strong enough, I don't have the guts to do my own thing because I'm unsure of everything, unsure of my future, I mean I have no talents or good at anything particular that I want to pursue as a career... I'm just not good at anything.

I know they care for me, they want me to do my best but I've created my illusion of what best is, to not fail. Even if I do my best, like getting a distinction or around a mark around 80% "Oh nice, you can do better though if you got off facebook and youtube"... like what...? I worked blood sweat and tears for this mark.

I find it sooooo difficult to stand up to my parents, the idea of breaking their trust, is... something I can't do. I don't understand how other people, my friends do it, how are they allowed to do whatever they want and still get support for it, like go and get tattoos, go out and party.. do there parents care about what marks they get just as long as they pass? Or as long as they know what they want to do, they can go for it?
Worst part about it all, is they don't know, they don't know any of this..

Why am I so tough on myself?

Why am I always crying about it, if I can change it?

Why don't I change myself?

Why am I not strong enough?

Why am I so god damn ugly, can't these pimples just go away!!! can't that little stomach just disappear, can my bum just not be flat, can my nose be smaller and make my eyes bigger, why couldn't I be born with perfectly straight teeth.

Why is nothing working out for me? I mean I know I don't have the worst of everything, I'm living in a nice home in a beautiful country, I have two parents, I have a pet dog, I have a phone, I have a laptop, I have an education, I have food and warm water.

Why can't I just be happy with everything I have?!!?? 

Am I selfish? I know the world doesn't revolve just around me but why does it feel like everyone I know are allowed to do whatever they want and also not suffer with pimples, why are they happier life than me?

Talking | ♡

05/02/14

So I have a few things to write about in this blog post, from changing myself and to talking with other people.

First off, changing myself, I write about this all the time and I always tell myself that I will change, I will do this and that, I do change but then after a while, slowly I lose motivation but I'm going to try this year to push on.

I'm going to start being more healthy, watch what I eat, don't give in to bad foods, I mean I'm not going on a strict diet but moderate what I eat, I'm going to go for walks or runs, be more active and just enjoy life, because when I am healthy and active, I am happy and that is what really matters.

Also recently I did dye the bottom of my hair, it didn't turn out the way I wanted it too, like ombre or balayage, I'll just have to grow my hair longer for it too look/suit better.

Me and Hermit.. I don't know, agh! Confusing but like I said, when we meet... one day, we'll know. For now, anything can happen, basically like an open relationship.

I've been talking to a few people as well but nothing of interest, just getting to know people and it's good to meet new people, it takes you out of your comfort zone - however be careful with talking with people online, you never know, they can be crazy and you don't want that.

I have also had a discussion with Leo, my ex, which we fight like a married couple and we're not even together, he frustrates me a lot but we've discussed over some issues and now we are going to try.. try and be friends, maybe not close friends, but friendly enough that we don't ignore each other, where we don't have to try and pretend they don't exist when they're across the room, it just makes everything awkward and I hate hearing things from people because it makes me annoyed at him, especially when stories aren't told properly, they become twisted to make me think of a totally different situation.

I'm slowly learning to forgive and let go of the angers and problems between us, because there is not real point too it.

I'll keep you posted, but for now, I need sleep and people are chatting to me as we speak, so I don't want to keep them waiting for a reply.

Hope everyone has a good Thursday, I'm planning to go to the gym and work my bum off... well build and tone my bum really....

Yours Truly,

Bella

Practice | ♡

22/01/14

Yesterday, my bestfriend and I, went out to buy a guitar, I'm really eager to learn and eventually play it! It's day 2 with the guitar and my fingers are obviously getting sore haha, my hands are really small but you know what, I'm not going to let that be my excuse for not trying, I'm not going to give up just yet!

I didn't work my ass off for the money to buy this guitar even though it was the cheapest of them all (cheap for a quality guitar but not too cheap that it's plastic).

Practice makes perfect right? Or close enough. I'm going to practice till my hands stretch, till my hands can become flexible and to also change chords fluently. I'm ready to relearn how to read music, to learn chords and everything.

I'm not just going to only practice on the guitar, but also on the piano.

This is my new years resolution to become better at piano and guitar, to learn songs and to make a cover!!!

I want to become a better musician! For me, be a better musician for me, for my happiness and for life :)

Yours Truly,

Bella

Opening up

15/01/14

Hello readers,

On Monday night, I decided to open up and just go for it, asked him how he feels about me because I needed to know, I needed to know where this somewhat 'relationship' stands, whether he liked me the way that I liked him and if he ever wanted to pursue a relationship. 

That whole day I was just in a wallowing mood, I wasn't at my happiest but I wasn't at my lowest however I did end up in the night breaking down when I took a shower and I don't even know why. 

I told him how I felt and thought, that I do like him and I don't expect him to like me back, I don't want to hurt him if I was to ever become involved with some other guy - let me recap who I am talking about here, he lives in another state and we've known each other since I was 9 or 10 (I am turning 19 soon) and only recently we reconnected through txt messaging over the past year (2013).

He told me, that if we were to ever meet in real life and we do end up liking each other then things will change, I don't expect him to change how he feels about me after the talk, I just wanted to let him know where I stand with my feelings and to let him know that I don't want to hurt him, hurt him in the way that he may think that I was leading him on and just playing with him (if I was to end up with someone else).

But in the end, things happen for a reason and if it was meant to be, it's meant to be, if it's not then that is ok, that is life. Not everything is supposed to sail perfectly, what you want or see in your future will not always be that way.

Also if someone is that special to you, they are worth the wait and he is but it's hard because he lives so far away, I can't wait forever, but I did stick with my guns and stayed loyal, people say that I shouldn't even bother with him because 'long distant' relationships 'don't work' but you never know, you never know until you try, I'd rather try than regret not trying at all, I don't want to look back in 3 months, in 6 months, in 2 years and regret and say to myself "What if I continued and didn't give up on him, would we have been something, would be together?" 

I guess the main reason I got upset and broke down was because I don't want those people who said "long distant relationships don't work', I don't want them to say "I told you so" "You should of listened to me" "You waisted your time", but in the end, it's my choice, my choice whether to listen to them and do what they said and it is my choice whether to continue to hold on or not because in the end, it's my heart, not theirs.

After opening up to him that night, it opened up my mind and my heart, and it was good, I relaxed me, it put my at ease with my emotions and thoughts. I was scared to do it, scared to ask but it was all worth it in the end, we still talk till this day and I am happy :)
And whatever happens, happens and I'll be happy about it.

I'm glad I did what I did because I am happy.

Don't be scared to tell somebody how you truly feel, don't be scared to ask someone whether they like you or not, I know the whole 'rejection, losing a friend' aspect can be intimidating but it will put you at ease in the end, it will show the true colours of the other person.

Guys are also scared too, scared to talk or ask anything to girls, they are just like us but someone has to step up, guys like being messaged first by a girl, it kind of puts pressure of their backs and sometimes us girls need to be empowered to maybe be the man in the relationship.

So don't be afraid, whatever is on your mind, just tell them! It will be worth it in the end!

Yours Truly,

Bella