Emotions

27/9/13

This journal entry, is going to be the inner me, the emotional part of myself that I don't show to others or let other people know about and what I've been feeling for the past 2 days.

I'm a person who doesn't want people to know that I'm sad, I want them to see the happy me because I don't want people to worry about me and I think having the happy quality/personality is more preferable than a miserable aura.

I like being happy, I like being able to laugh and not pretend to feel a certain emotion that I know that's not true but I guess you got to have the bad to have the good. So on Wednesday, I was having a pretty okay day, I went to the library, studied and did my work with a friend, went to the local shops and Leo works there and apparently he walked into work while me and my friend were shopping, I waited because well, I like to say hi to people (obviously if I'm in a good mood) but he never came out so we decided to leave.

When I got home, I was about to text Leo about how we waited but he never came out and as I was about to text him, there was two old messages which I didn't even know that I had received, which was received on the 15th so that was like 10 days late for me to see.

It read along the lines of how he didn't want us to talk anymore, how we can't be friends (I'm assuming) and how it's hard for him to get over me (p.s he is my ex), what I found the most upsetting that night, I mean I wasn't sad like depressed sad but I wasn't happy either, I was in the numb emotion, where I had no feelings whatsoever. However the next day I was in a whatever mood, like I bummed around that day, listening to songs to cry too, okay this is going to be weird, but there are times where I enjoy crying. 

Maybe the main reason that I feel the way that I do is the fact that, he never fought for me to get me back again or even try to talk to me. He'd rather message me this than tell me in person, he never tells me what's on his mind in person and that is what frustrates me the most, he becomes silent or he just walks away from my presence (this is at parties or just casual hangouts with group of friends). That was the main reason we broke up, it was because he would always walk away from me and just completely ignore me when we were together and back then it hurt me a lot because I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I blamed everything on myself and I doubted myself so much that I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. It hurt me even more that he could talk to other girls more than he would talk to me and obviously that's when I kept thinking about how these other girls were much more prettier than I was and he'd be better off with them instead of me.

I fought my side of the war, I tried to do my part because that's what you do, you fight for those who you care for, you don't give them up but I guess I understand, he can't get over me unless he stops talking/seeing me, I mean I didn't really want to get back together so why would he bother to fight for me? 

I guess if it is for the best, you just got to let it go.

Yours Truly,

Bella