Confusing people

31/10/13

Happy Halloween everyone! However we don't really celebrate it in Australia but oh well haha.

So, Hermit (I've introduced him in my older entries), we have been talking for a while now and every time I talk to him, talk as in messaging, we've only skyped twice, anyways I haven't had a conversation with him for the past 2 days. I mean it's not something to go all sad and crazy about, but it is weird.

Sometimes I do think whether he only texts me when he is bored and I don't know what he thinks when we talk to each other, like what is this type of friendship/relationship, I'm not saying we are definitely like gf/bf, I'm just saying could this be one that leads into one? 

I'm not desperate or crazy to want him but I just like to know where I stand and what I am to him. However he is quite the busy person, he's always out with his mates or work and other activities and recently he's been on set doing work... so maybe that could be why he's been not as active as before?

Whatever happens, happens and if we were meant to be then we were meant to be together, time will tell and yeah.

It's not much I have to lose, we'd still be friends just nothing more...

I sound crazy and a confusing person myself, now that I think about it haha.

I can't think of anything else to write, I'm starting to realise that maybe I do miss him, more than I usually would than I would other people and I guess that kinda shows I have small feelings for him...

I don't know where this is going ... haha

Yours Truly,

Bella

Reality

19/10/13

Hello once again, I have something to update this page about and that has been on my mind.

So for the past 2 days, NSW has been under danger, I guess to put it that way, there has been fires blazing around NSW and the air is so polluted, it's all foggy and it smells like smoke. I pray for those firemen who have been injured and I pray for those families who have lost their homes to these blazes. It truly is tragic when everything in your home is destroyed.
I'd like to thank the Australian services, police, ambulance and most importantly the firefighters who have risked their lives to help the nation, thank you for your courage and bravery.

On another note, there's this guy, I called him Hermit in my older post, we're talking again and we added each other on Skype and it's probably the first time we've actually talked together with our voices. It was... fun haha, every time I think about it, I smile to myself but the thing is, I don't think anything will happen between us. Not that I'm desperate or really wanting something to happen but what are you supposed to do in these situations? My parents don't allow me to travel with my friends to other states or let alone a hotel, so it would be impossible for me to meet him in person.

I've know him for 9 years and I find that absolutely crazy! We didn't talk all the time during those 9 years, if I was to put together how many years we've actually talked, it may be 5 years.

The only relationship I see in this, would be an open relationship, probably not even a relationship maybe just a distant good friendship relationship? Hahaha I don't know what I'm saying here.

- I don't even know if he thinks or feels the same way as I do, so I can't assume what I'm feeling will be reciprocated, the last thing I want to do is scare this kid away and make him think I'm really desperate haha but I'm not, so fingers crossed!

I need some advice or maybe I should just let this sit out and see where time will take us.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, please appreciate everything you have and tell the ones closest to you that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Please pray and give your thoughts to those families who have lost their homes in Australia, NSW, from the fires. I wish whoever is reading this, love, happiness, health and wealth.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Happy Labour Day!

7/10/13

Hope everyone is having a great Monday, I know I am, well I feel fine besides the fact I have an exam tomorrow! 

My emotions have been up and down, in terms of sadness, it hasn't crossed my mind, I have been feeling pretty well actually, happiness it's rebuilding itself, I mean I'm not totally depressed but I'm not completely happy but I feel fine which is good. I've been really stressed lately, more so to do with University and the amount of work that's piling on top of me which is really getting on my nerves.

I don't have much to write about, nothing has changed really.

So I'll keep it short, I hope everyone tries something new today or accomplish something, everyday should be planned, a plan to do something, not a strict plan, keep it flexible if it's nothing too important. 

Take everyday as if it's new and there is something to do, being occupied is the best way to live.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Emotions

27/9/13

This journal entry, is going to be the inner me, the emotional part of myself that I don't show to others or let other people know about and what I've been feeling for the past 2 days.

I'm a person who doesn't want people to know that I'm sad, I want them to see the happy me because I don't want people to worry about me and I think having the happy quality/personality is more preferable than a miserable aura.

I like being happy, I like being able to laugh and not pretend to feel a certain emotion that I know that's not true but I guess you got to have the bad to have the good. So on Wednesday, I was having a pretty okay day, I went to the library, studied and did my work with a friend, went to the local shops and Leo works there and apparently he walked into work while me and my friend were shopping, I waited because well, I like to say hi to people (obviously if I'm in a good mood) but he never came out so we decided to leave.

When I got home, I was about to text Leo about how we waited but he never came out and as I was about to text him, there was two old messages which I didn't even know that I had received, which was received on the 15th so that was like 10 days late for me to see.

It read along the lines of how he didn't want us to talk anymore, how we can't be friends (I'm assuming) and how it's hard for him to get over me (p.s he is my ex), what I found the most upsetting that night, I mean I wasn't sad like depressed sad but I wasn't happy either, I was in the numb emotion, where I had no feelings whatsoever. However the next day I was in a whatever mood, like I bummed around that day, listening to songs to cry too, okay this is going to be weird, but there are times where I enjoy crying. 

Maybe the main reason that I feel the way that I do is the fact that, he never fought for me to get me back again or even try to talk to me. He'd rather message me this than tell me in person, he never tells me what's on his mind in person and that is what frustrates me the most, he becomes silent or he just walks away from my presence (this is at parties or just casual hangouts with group of friends). That was the main reason we broke up, it was because he would always walk away from me and just completely ignore me when we were together and back then it hurt me a lot because I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I blamed everything on myself and I doubted myself so much that I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. It hurt me even more that he could talk to other girls more than he would talk to me and obviously that's when I kept thinking about how these other girls were much more prettier than I was and he'd be better off with them instead of me.

I fought my side of the war, I tried to do my part because that's what you do, you fight for those who you care for, you don't give them up but I guess I understand, he can't get over me unless he stops talking/seeing me, I mean I didn't really want to get back together so why would he bother to fight for me? 

I guess if it is for the best, you just got to let it go.

Yours Truly,

Bella

This image sums me up

Self reflection | ♡

22/9/2013

So last night, I moved the keyboard piano into my bedroom (finally!) after years of contemplating whether to move it or not because I was concerned with space in my room and all that jazz. I haven't played piano in a very very long time, in terms of fluently, as a kid, my parents took me to piano lessons and I really enjoyed it, this all started because as a small toddler I'd climb onto the piano seat and just play the piano which is why they decided to take me to lessons. 

I wasn't a bad player, however, I won't say I was a great player, after being chosen or whether it was a compulsory test or competition I had to attend and play this piano piece, I think it was Minuet piano piece I had to play in front of an audiences and judges, before leaving the house, I played the piece once over and it was perfect, I knew every chord but when it came to crunch time, I failed.

I forgot the musical piece, I only remembered a verse and what did I do? I kept on playing that verse over and over again till it hit the 3 min mark which I remember so vividly being a small bell that they'd ring to tell us how long it has been. 

I remember hopping off that piano and went straight to my seat and I was in distraught, I got a 'participation' certificate and I remember leaving that hall, crying, I felt incompetent, hopeless and a failure after all those efforts of taking me to piano lessons, were for nothing, were for me to forget how to play a piece without the music sheet in front of me.

After that event, I decided to quit piano, I made every excuse possible, from I don't like playing piano to my fingers hurt and that's why my pinky is bent the way that it is. I quit playing the piano because I failed.

I realised after playing the keyboard piano in my room that, that's not the motto that I live by, I don't quit on something because I fail or because it was unsuccessful or because it's not what I expected it to turn out to be, I'm not that type of person now. I'm a person who will continue to try, to change and to be better at something.

And now, now I regret ever quitting playing piano, the piano is so fun to play with and the fact I don't remember how to read chords or how to even play the piano properly and fluently, it makes me upset. It makes me feel disappointed in the little me, that I gave up on something because it brought me to tears. 

I really want to become better at playing, I really do, I want to learn the songs that I love singing, which I might add, I have been practicing to play 'Almost is Never Enough' by Ariana Grande ft Nathan Sykes - However I'm still a little rusty and I can't get the singing and playing down right or having it at the right tune/tone to suit my voice.

So if you ever loved/liked something but you gave up on it because it 'failed' at it 'once', try and pick it up again, continue to fight for what you enjoy, no matter what anybody else thinks of you because at the end of the day, you enjoy doing it and you can always improve what you have once failed at doing. Improvement is an accomplishment that gives you hope and life. 

I can't exercise how important it is to not give up, because giving up is failure in itself. To not try is to fail but to succeed is to try, even if you fail.

Yours Truly,

Bella

Update | ♡

22/9/2013

It has been 12 days since my last entry, now it's not because I'm lazy, it's just there's nothing really new that has been happening. I have been on uni 'study break' which goes for 2 weeks, so first week of holidays went by really fast, I feel like I have done nothing since the first day of holidays when I have a tonne of work to do! I have four group assignments and I'm pretty sure I have quizzes and exams around 1st or 2nd week back!

I procrastinate a lot but I just, I haven't found the groove of studying and also the fact my house is very distracting, if I was to go to the library, I would of done a bunch of work and it would make me feel great but I haven't. Why? Because for 1, train tickets are expensive and 2, I'm too lazy to go + I'd be by myself. 

Today the weather looks amazing, it's supposedly 26ºC and I'm at home 'trying' to do some work, I've done some but I just can't think of how to make it sound professional and flow - since it is a group assignment, I have the last question which needs to link with the first 3 questions that my other team mates are doing - which I have no idea what they're writing about, so for me to know whether it flows is unknown.

Last Saturday, the 14th, I went paddle boarding for the first time with the girls and it was really fun, it was tricky to get myself turning and trying not to hit into objects, but other than that, it was a really great experience, I may not be doing that for a while but it was fun while it lasted and I really recommend anyone to go ahead and go paddle boarding.

I saw this girl on Monday and she was gorgeous and I just thought to myself, I want to be like her, she looked driven, intelligent and seemed to be comfortable in her skin, by the way she act and spoke, she was very inspiring, to say the least. This made me rethink the values, my fashion style and just myself in general. My fashion sense isn't all that fantastic, I mean my wardrobe is standard and it's nothing special, I want to stand out - not by wearing crazy outfits, but look sophisticated and I guess, creating a persona for myself. Now I know being yourself is the best outfit to wear but for me to look and feel sophisticated makes me feel confident in myself and gets me going throughout the day.

Wow this is a very very long entry post, well I guess it's expected since I haven't written in 12 days haha.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, I will be somehow, spicing up this blog, I'm trying to find time and 'creativity' to add to this page.

Yours Truly,

Bella.